Sunday

I sometimes think about all the things I was too stubborn with. I find myself often going back to certain points where I was never completely in the moment. I have spent much of my life wishing I was somewhere else, and through all of these times I have failed to embrace what is in front of me. I have failed to embrace all of these moments that are so delicate and fragile - moments that pass away in a single second. These are memories I supress for long amounts of times, and then they just pop back into my head. These memories stem from a lot of things I have created. I have created memories for particular moments, lying to myself and telling myself that one thing is another thing. I have also created photos and songs and words that I assosciate with what is the wrong detail of these points to assosciate with. I have failed to realise through a lot of these times that there are several sides to every story, and I was only ever too stubborn to think of something so one sided. These are moments that I resent but then move onto treasure. I become sad when I realise that no amount of back-tracking will ever bring me back to those points. I realise that people move on, people change and your surroundings change and nothing will ever be able to prevent that from happening. I also think that maybe sometimes I am in that moment as I write, and maybe I have just failed to realise it. I think that I am letting these moments slip away. I spent every second of the past thinking about the future and now the future is here and I am thinking about the past. I do not know why these memories resurface in the ways they do - often without warning, without a spark. I should learn to treasure every single moment because those moments are what make me, and I am letting them go.

furthermore

i have an uncanny sense of timing. furthermore i have a ridiculous frame of mind that often keeps my judgement impaired. i have no sense of who i am or where i am going. i am often sad. i avoid drinking when i am sad because i am prone to abuse. i never know when it is the right time. i seem to exist on a timeline that is approximately four seconds behind your time. i am always the last to know. i wish i had less time to think. i am always questioning my own abilities. i don't think i've ever been good at anything in my life. i am not self-deppreciative but i am pessimistic whilst being a realist. i don't listen to advice. i try and learn everything in the hardest way possible. i would prefer to know rather than not know. i disagree with my own path i've laid out for myself. i think the only people who could truly understand me are a bunch of wankers coming up with names for things. i wish i was a cat. i think that people have an idea of who i am and i share that idea. i would be a lot happier if i wasn't selfish. i don't believe in myself. i have the worst luck i have ever encountered in a person. i don't wish i was anything other than i'm not.

here comes that feeling again

i officially deem this crap. never try to force a song. ever. but i'll leave it up here for y'know, future reference.

i tread a golden path when i walk
though i feel no steps
there are my feet that move
back and forth without a sense
there is no feeling of
where i am and where i'm going
now the ground is gone
i have no where else to go

the steps i have taken
to stay set in one place
are the only things that are
keeping me from falling
i am dreaming of memories out
in the fields with my friends
i have a sense that nothing is real
here comes that feeling again

p.s my faith in the female race died a little last night.

go slowly

this morning i dreamt i was sitting in a room that was surrounded by pictures of people with no faces. i stared at them with this sense that i could do nothing. one by one the pictures caught on fire until the entire room around me was on fire. i was feeling utterly helpless. the fire was enveloping me but i remained calm and felt like there was this boundary around me from the rest of the world. i woke up and felt this tremendous pain in my chest. i tried to move and realised i was completely paralysed. there was this intense sense of fear rising up within me, not a fear of anything in particular but definitely a fear of something. after a few seconds i felt like my body released me, and i was able to move again. the fear however faded much slower as i was trying to figure out what had just happened. as the lights in my room were blaring (i think it was about 4am) i remembered this had happened to me a lot as a child. i had always assosciated the fear with some sort of man in my room with a knife, but maybe as i'm older i've learnt that fear essentially takes no form. it was almost like a re-occurring dream. these things i experienced as a kid suddenly come back to haunt you. in recent weeks i have had this tremendous onset of nightmares and strange dreams that keep you awake all night as you try to figure them out. they've been leaving me increasingly unsettled and last night was the first night where a dream almost carries into my concious state. on further research this is something known as sleep paralysis, and apparantly you carry it with you for your entire life. it only ever comes about in times of distress. i don't feel distressed. but i am beggining to be.

train musings part three

i have this constant obsession with things that can get stuck in my mind (note the irony). i am intrigued by things that are impossible to forget. i think that you never forget anything in a way, your mind just has a way of making things less obvious and working them in ways that you will often suprise yourself with when you come across it. there is a song i wrote last year called 'writing myself'. this is an example of a certain memory being buried under a ridiculous amount of layers in yr head, and as you uncover it, it becomes more and more disturbing because you are unable to believe that you may have ever felt this way about something. this song is about stuff i can't be bothered with anymore but these days i dedicate it to my friend who would no doubt be embarrassed by the fact (so he will not be named) but to me it can only ever be about him.

train musings part two

this is an example of pure observation. at many points in my life i have simply thought things over to the extent that nothing even makes sense anymore. i figured that there is a certain sense of illusion that you are able to create yourself. i think that is is the source of a lot of angst in the world. we are so constantly caught up in our own thoughts that we can never possibly learn anything new simply by thinking things over. i kept thinking about this and got on to outside factors. whether it be decaying paint on a wall or some other irrational object, it is enough to make a change in everything that you have ever felt.

there is nothing remotely deep about the subject matter. i actually think there is nothing too deep for anyone to realise but some people just want to deal with it and others don't. this is dedicated for a girl who didn't, or maybe she did but i'm pretty sure she's never had a deep thought in her life or ever even given a fuck.

train musings part one

yeah i got writin'.

i have always been incredibly inspired by dreams and i have never been any different. i find the concept of how we percieve things to be very intriguing, in this case, it is the way we percieve the world when we are asleep vs when we are awake. to me our lives are a constant struggle between comfort and chaos and both of the aforementioned are symbolic of that. i have always seen art as that struggle, an expression of the inexpressible - a happy medium of comfort and chaos. it is far more interesting however to confuse the two concepts, or marry them so that what is comforting to one is chaotic to another. there is a particular split second in our lives between these two frames of mind and that is the moment where we are experiencing complete clarity - a moment that totally dulls our senses and is so simplistic and so fleeting that it is gone before we can even realise that we have been at peace. the moment is just gone. i believe that this is a moment that can only ever be captured with pure expression.

this is all on tape - so turn it off.

i can't say what i want to say because i'm afraid that who-ever will come along and they will read it to be dissillusioned by the things that are only truthful to me and no-one else it's all like a dripping tap so all i have to do is turn it off.

Sleepless In Sine?

You're just a girl when you smile, what's the hurry?
Sleepless in sine, with your friends and your memories.
Ice in the air, it's a curse if you breathe in.
And then there's hope that you write in the concrete.

I've learnt to deal with my own limitations.
If the ground is the sky, what's the difference?
Gone are the days when i scratched at my own skin.
Scratching in time to the fragments of my memories.

Dreams

So I'm awake but not awake. Drifting in and out of sleep for no particular reason. There is a lot of noise outside - something I'm not neccesarily used to. I am repeating in my head that all it takes is a little bit of self-confidence and maybe things won't end as fucked up as last time. I am only slightly confident. I am thinking that maybe now is the time that I try to make amends.

I had this dream last night that I attended a wedding of somebody who I didn't want to get married. It was odd, being that she is far too young to be married, but it didn't change the situation nonetheless. This dream spoke to me in many ways - having to put on a happy face while you know that everything around you is absolutely beyond repair. This was a dream that is still fresh in my mind. It's one of those dreams where you don't want to feel like you do in the dream, and really, you should have no reason to. But it also makes me want to interpret it, in the way that maybe what I'm feeling now is a fore-warning of what I'll be feeling later. And I'm sure that as I grow older I will be attending weddings of people that I will feel absolutely miserable at. Tomorrow never knows.

To further on the dream, I think I left, but was somehow followed by a penguin. I can't remember that well. But I do remember walking into the bathroom and seeing the bathtub filled with soapy water. And I took off my shoes and stepped in, turned around to see a fire extinguisher floating in the bathtub as well as a penguin staring right at me. For some reason I picked up the fire extinguisher and sprayed it right at the penguin. He didn't move and only just kept staring at me. So I stepped out of the bathtub and chased him out the door, and closed it along with all the windows to make sure he wouldn't get in again.

Haunted by the marriage of love interests and penguins. Who would've thought?